Collector Box Blues

Hello Cats and Kittens,
Well today is the the last skit of the month, and what a month of skits it's been huh? Half-weird, half-wonderful, and kinds crazy good fun!

I'm sure you're all wondering what's in store for you guys today? Well wait no more good people, and enjoy "Collector Box Blues."

Thing: "Quick, someone say sumptin' funny before that sonavabitch sticks us back in that damn box again!"

Mr. Fantastic: "Hmm. Well I do have a funny anecdote about Albert Einstein."

Torch: "Dammit Reed, Ben said something funny, not something that'll make us wanna' blow our brains out due to sheer boredom!"

Invisible Woman: "Johnny! You don't have to be so mean to Reed. You know comedy's not his forte."

Mr. Fantastic: "Gee honey, thanks."

Torch: "Hey sis, you have to put up with Reed because you married him, not us. It's not our fault's he's not funny."

Thing: "Great, just great! We've wasted all dis' time fussin' without being funny. Now we're going back inta' that damn box fa' sure!"

-The Thing farts....big time!

Torch: "What a revoltin' development that was Ben...In your pants! Ugh god!"

Mr. Fantastic and Invisible Woman: "Urghh, Ben!!!! That was much, much worse than an attack by Dr. Doom old friend!"

Thing: "Sorry!"

-All three laugh at Ben.

Thing: "Does that mean I did good then?"

What do you think guys? Not bad?

No on to something a  little different.

You remember that whole Heroes Reborn event from the late 90's? I'm sure most of you do. I'll get back  to how badly time's(and fans have) treated them over years, but that's not what I want to showcase right now. Nope, after going over all of the various HR issues I have, I've stumbled on a few quotes from the various heroes, that if taken out of the innocent context they were written in, could be taken out of context as extremely sexual and just plain wrong.  Wizard Magazine's done this before with various X-Men quotes over the years , so sit back and enjoy the little nuggets of perversity I've stumbled upon.

Fantastic Four#2 (Vol.2)( Nov'96):

Sue Storm: "Reed! It's, it's working! But...so difficult...to keep it...open!"

"Can't maintain this shaft..much longer! The Strain is murderous!"

-No that's not Mr.Fantastic's nether region she's talking about. Go read the issue and you'll see what's really going on here.

Fantastic Four#5 (Vol.2) (Jan '97):

Super-Skrull: "Enough! Unngh!" " Your human form would not have been able to withstand the infusion of such raw primal power!"

-Man I hope he's just talking about the power Cosmic and not something else. Ugh indeed!

Finally this other gem of perversity:

Iron Man#7 (Vol.2) (May '97):

Thor: "A hole. Thou hast brought the God of Thunder to the very netherworld of Avengers mansion....to show me a hole?"

"My armored friend, as holes go, it compares to none. And I do not mean to belittle thy efforts, but if we art to be Avengers, why wouldst we need a hole to put our weapons when any true warrior ne'er allows his weapon to leave his side?"

Iron Man: "I....never mind."

OMG people! I hope Thor's talking about underground hole, and scene from one of those really nasty pornos. You know? The one that has some freaky chick insert her whole fist or various foreign objects into her....you know....happy place?

Never mind indeed.

And that's a just a sample of random quotes you can find any comic book that seems just plain dirty if you have the right kind of imagination. You know, like I do.

Happy hunting kids!

Oh, here's a quick one I just found:

Apparently Ol' Shell-Head's into fisting too! Damn!

"Those were the days my friend, we thought they'd never end...."

I was just thinking the other day about my early years of collecting comics, and the types of comics that interested me at the time.
An early favorite that comes to mind is the Fantastic Four. I don't why this group of adventurers captured my attention, but they did. Maybe it was the simple, but cool costumes they wore. Maybe it was their super-powers. And maybe it was the family element that helped make me like them so much. I don't know, but something about the FF made me like them.

Long before I learned that Stan Lee and Jack Kirby created these characters, and the history of the creators themselves(I only had a basic knowledge at the time that Stan Lee created a lot of the early Marvel characters, but knew even less about Jack Kirby. I know, I know, but I was just a kid at the time. I had to figure all the backstory out so don't blame me; I was a kid you know) I learned of the recent(at that time)adventures of the FF. Sure I knew about the old 60's cartoon, I even saw it once or twice, but the line-up I bought and read was totally different than than the roster I thought I knew.

Here's what happened:
My mom and I had gone to a yard-sale on base housing( I lived in West Germany back then) and I of course back then, was looking for mostly comics. I'm sure if I found some cool figures, or GI Joes or Transformers I'd have been just as happy. But my main  mission was to score some comic books. Well, at this particular yard-sale I hit paydirt. I found Fantastic Four#'s 313, 318-319, and I think 321. Not bad right?
Bear in mind I knew completely nothing about the current storylines that ran throughout those issues. Again, as in most cases back then, I fell for the cover and the art. If the story was well-written, then that was a bonus, but mostly I cared more for the art.

Anyway, I read #313, and even though I didn't know why the Thing looked different, or why there was a Ms.Thing, and even why this wasn't the classic FF line-up, I just knew I had just read a pretty cool issue...and the art was nice too!
Even though it was old hat to old or regular readers, the 19th million battle with the Mole Man was fun for me. I think I even felt sympathy for him since all he wanted to do was for him and his moloids to just be left alone. Hey, the Hulk wanted to be left alone too, so why didn't the Hulk just move in with the Mole Man?
And of course I though Crystal helping both Things stay cool was, well cool idea which suited her powers. And who couldn't feel the pathos of Johnny Storm fighting his old feelings of love for Crystal, despite being married to Alicia? Even at 7 or 8, I could still comprehend what a sticky situation that must have been for ol' match-head.

Then I read #'s 318-319, and damn did I really get into the FF then! I didn't know who Steve Englehart was, or anything about his previous work, all I knew was that this guy could really tell a story.

 #318 was exciting to me, because(at least for me) this was the 1st time Dr.Doom teamed up with the FF. I loved how this pissed the Thing off that he had to team up w/Doom since Reed wasn't there to provide his usually technical genius, thus why the need to team with Doom. I also liked how bad-ass Doom was portrayed in that issue, as Englehart makes a tough, bad-ass like Blaastar job to Doom; and by strangulation no less! I mean he seriously chokes him out as if they do in professional wrestling or Ultimate fighting.

Simply violent and awesome for a young kid.

But that's only the 1st part of why I loved this story. The 2nd, was the really and truly brutal attack by Dr.Doom on Owen Reese, the Molecule Man. At the time, that was the most violent attack I had ever seen!

Seriously, look at how bad Doom pwns MM here!

Damn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And that's one of many reasons why Doom is so fucking bad ass! Just look at the blood coming out of poor Owen's face people!

Of course Owen gets better since his powers saved him, but Doom didn't know that at the time.

The 3rd part, was the next issue, #319. I see the Beyonder the 1st time, and he's basically God, or a god. What's really weird is how the whole thing ends. The Shaper of worlds and Kubik shows up to tell the Beyonder that he's part of a whole, the whole being a Cosmic Cube. The Beyonder doesn't take this well, and just wants to live, just like the rest of us. Again, these issues had so much pathos that even as young as I was, I kind of got the deeper meanings attached to the story.

By issues' end, both the Beyonder and the Molecule Man fused together to form a new Cosmic Cube.

Oh, and Doom got his memories back.

All-in-all, I was hooked to this line-up and this creative team. They wouldn't stay very long after this "Secret Wars 3" thing, and the next issue I'd pick up was during the whole "FF and their evil dream clones" thing.

Yeah I was confused too.